You’re not welcome back

This is hard to write about. But I guess that means that it is the most worthy.

Sex still hurts. A ton. A year and 3 months in. And there is this clash– I want to make love to my husband, but it hurts. And the creighton method makes it even tougher because there really aren’t enough days that we feel comfortable using. Especially while breastfeeding, it seems like I can never be totally confident. The sad sad truth is that we haven’t been able to make love since the 56 day mark. Creighton says that if you are exclusively breastfeeding, you will be infertile for the first 56 days. But since that mark, I haven’t felt confident enough to use any days. So it’s been a while. Definitely the longest we’ve ever gone. And I’m scared. Will it hurt as bad as the first time? Will all of my progress have been for nothing? Will I inevitably end up pregnant once again? (Will I be pregnant my whole damn life?)

I got my cycle back, too. I’m sorry if that is TMI, but the whole reason I created this blog was so that I could be vulnerable and maybe help someone else trying to do this whole newlywed, new mother, natural family planning thing. So yeah, I got my cycle back… And I’m mad. Why can’t I be one of those women who doesn’t get it back for months and months? It’s only been 3 and I’ve exclusively breastfed this whole time!

It feels like we will never be able to make love again. And when we do it will hurt like crap. I know it isn’t true, but still. But… I find a lot of solace in how wonderful our marriage is, though, despite the lack of sex. I couldn’t love my husband any more and he makes me laugh. He makes me laugh, people! There isn’t anything more important than that. Not even sex.