Little hands and big tears, the pain of a new tooth come early. He is beating all the records but this one isn’t anything to brag about. He’d been fussy and temperamental for days and then BAM, up comes a little white rock of terror in his sweet pink gums.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was different. It wasn’t bad, but it was very different. I guess it just reflected the change that I’ve gone through as a mother. In the days leading up to it, I thought I didn’t care. It wasn’t about me anymore and I thought I was okay with that. I even kept forgetting about it. But when they day came. When the night fell. I realized that I’m still the impatient, self-centered, demanding girl I’ve always been. Motherhood hasn’t changed who I’ve become- it just allows me to forget myself once in a while. I’m learning that the more I think about myself… The more I try to be happy, the less happy I am. And so I am grateful for my boy. For allowing me the joy of forgetting myself.

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One step forward…

Baby T started sleeping through the night, every night, at 7 weeks. I know I’m lucky. I know I’ve had it easy. But this week has been different. He stopped sleeping through the night… and is waking 2-3 times. And for the first time, my husband and I disagree on how we should handle it. He thinks we should just let him cry until he goes back to sleep. I think we should go figure out why he is crying and help him get back to sleep. And the truth is that both approaches could probably work. But we have to compromise. One of us has to go against our parenting instinct. And that… is weird.
I’m not saying we won’t ever let him cry it out, but I would really have to believe he isn’t crying because he needs something. Last night, he was flipped over and couldn’t get back to his back. The night before, he was flipped and also drenched in his own pee. The night before he had terrible gas and needed to be held and sat upright and given gas drops. I know this is getting to be very frustrating. Its like we’ve taken a step back because we aren’t sleeping through the night anymore. But we have a baby and I just don’t think things are going to always be the way we want them to be. It isn’t about us anymore. I know hubby thinks I’m spoiling him and treating him like a king, but really I am just treating him like a baby. He isn’t an adult- he can’t do anything for himself- so I can’t treat him like an adult. I can not sleep, knowing that he is screaming in the nursery.
Something needs to change. We do need to get him sleeping through the night, but I am just not sure how. We will figure this out together, Ford and I, its just the getting there that is hard.