It’s a hard night. There is a strange juxtaposition in my life… I love my sisters so damn much, but whenever I’m around them, I start hating myself. All four of them are those women with the amazing bodies who bounce back immediately after pregnancy. They are all so gorgeous and I can’t help but compare. My sister Becca had a baby 10 weeks ago. I had a baby 10 months ago. Guess who looks better? *hint* it isn’t me. Does anyone else feel like all the pictures are a lie? Like you’re only pretty when there is an Instagram filter? I actually feel ASHAMED when I am seen in real life and I’m just not that pretty. I NEED to remember that my sole purpose in life is not to have a perfect body. My purpose in life is not prettiness.
I want so badly to just be able to enjoy myself when I’m with them. But the devil has such a fucking hold on this part of my heart. I want to let it go. I WILL let it go. The worst part is that even when I was my skinniest, I still was consumed. I still thought about it constantly. Dear Jesus. Please. I beg of you. Let me love my body. Expel the devil from my mind, and let me see how beautiful I really am.