You’re not welcome back

This is hard to write about. But I guess that means that it is the most worthy.

Sex still hurts. A ton. A year and 3 months in. And there is this clash– I want to make love to my husband, but it hurts. And the creighton method makes it even tougher because there really aren’t enough days that we feel comfortable using. Especially while breastfeeding, it seems like I can never be totally confident. The sad sad truth is that we haven’t been able to make love since the 56 day mark. Creighton says that if you are exclusively breastfeeding, you will be infertile for the first 56 days. But since that mark, I haven’t felt confident enough to use any days. So it’s been a while. Definitely the longest we’ve ever gone. And I’m scared. Will it hurt as bad as the first time? Will all of my progress have been for nothing? Will I inevitably end up pregnant once again? (Will I be pregnant my whole damn life?)

I got my cycle back, too. I’m sorry if that is TMI, but the whole reason I created this blog was so that I could be vulnerable and maybe help someone else trying to do this whole newlywed, new mother, natural family planning thing. So yeah, I got my cycle back… And I’m mad. Why can’t I be one of those women who doesn’t get it back for months and months? It’s only been 3 and I’ve exclusively breastfed this whole time!

It feels like we will never be able to make love again. And when we do it will hurt like crap. I know it isn’t true, but still. But… I find a lot of solace in how wonderful our marriage is, though, despite the lack of sex. I couldn’t love my husband any more and he makes me laugh. He makes me laugh, people! There isn’t anything more important than that. Not even sex.

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Hi, Sprout!!

Baby Sprout is here! He arrived July 12– 8 days AFTER my due date– at a whopping 9 lbs 5 oz. I’ve been writing our birth story and I will post that soon… It’s been really hard to get through, though. It was definitely traumatic for me, both emotionally and physically.

welcome, sweetie!

welcome, sweetie!

So here we go again, on this NFP journey. They say that for the first 56 days post-partum, if you exclusively breastfeed, you are infertile. Well, we are coming to the end of that little grace period and I have to say… I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I will get pregnant again immediately. Just coming off being pregnant, and after such a hard pregnancy and delivery, I am very much NOT ready. So we will be extremely careful– as careful as possible– but the whole point with NFP is that we are trusting God’s will for our family. We know from first hand experience that if we are meant to be pregnant, we will be pregnant. Like I said… Terrifying.

There is one great comfort to me, though, and that is our little love, Thaddeus. He is the living proof that God’s plan is good. He is living proof that God’s plan is more beautiful and wonderful than I could ever imagine. So even though it is the hardest thing, here we go again, trusting God’s plan.

Ignorance is not bliss

As if God heard our prayers, and decided “today, I’ll give them mercy”, we are–miraculously–still pregnant. My doctor, who is fully trained in high-risk and endometriosis pregnancies, told me that she had no idea why I was bleeding. And she had no answer. She did all the tests she could, and could see no reason why it was happening. Call me crazy, but when science can’t explain why there is still a baby in my belly, I call it a miracle.

I have a friend who got married about 2 months before me and got pregnant immediately. And I remember thinking, damn. That must be REALLY hard– being a newlywed AND being pregnant– I’m so glad we’re waiting. But the funny thing is that now I think it is such a huge blessing. That we got pregnant after 3 months. There is this side of my husband that I had only glimpsed before we were pregnant. A side that is extremely and inexplicable giving and generous and selfless. At the risk of sounding like a brat, he does everything for me. He brings me juice in the morning, and my medicines at night. He makes the bed and does the dishes and cooks me dinner. I’m feeling better now, but for a while there I couldn’t do anything, other than go to work and sleep. And you know what? Despite how I totally doubted him, he picked up the slack. Times a million. And it makes me love him so very much. It makes me feel his love all day, everyday. Amazing how pregnancy really does bring a couple so much closer. Someone kick me in the shins, I keep forgetting God has a plan.

Getting creative

When Ford and I FIRST got married (I’m talking first 5 days, here), we were fertile, and therefore spent our wedding night being…creative. I was sincerely sad; I had looked forward to that night since I was about seven years old. Weird, maybe. But totally true. I was thankful that I had planned on that happening (I had an inkling that’s how things would pan out). But it still stung. And I spent the morning of my wedding sobbing to my older sister.

I had a friend tell me, “Just so you know: things get pretty crazy there toward the end (we had sooo many things just totally go wrong) and you might feel like someone is doing it intentionally. It is on purpose! I really think that the devil hates marriage and married couples, so he’ll try to get you two to lose your cool. Just hang tight and keep praying and hold onto each other.” That was the absolute best advice I ever received. Because when we became fertile the DAY OF the wedding, it definitely felt intentional. It felt like an attack or a curse.

Things can be really hard with Creighton. But the good that comes from being totally honest with my husband, from being disappointed and excited together, from feeling confidant that (in this little slice of our life) we are absolutely doing God’s will…. that definitely outweighs the hard.

And when it came time for our vows?

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Nothing else mattered.

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The swing of things

We’ve been married for two months now, and making love is still really painful.

I had a small surgery 5 days ago, in which they discovered (in a quantifiable way), that I have endometriosis. In a twisted way, this gives me hope. I know that some of the pain will go away once I have the second surgery to remove the endometriosis. But I’m know that isn’t the entire picture.

No matter how many people warned me that the first year of marriage would be hard, it is human nature to believe that my marriage will be different. And there is a certain type of pressure that comes when you marry young. Most of your friends have no idea what marriage is actually like and assume, like I assumed, that it would be full of relaxing time together and lots of great sex. So it can be really tough when it is so much more complicated than that. It is very tempting to see myself as a failure. I know, in my head, that I am not. But how do I keep that attitude in my heart?