Faulty body 

It’s a hard night. There is a strange juxtaposition in my life… I love my sisters so damn much, but whenever I’m around them, I start hating myself. All four of them are those women with the amazing bodies who bounce back immediately after pregnancy. They are all so gorgeous and I can’t help but compare. My sister Becca had a baby 10 weeks ago. I had a baby 10 months ago. Guess who looks better? *hint* it isn’t me. Does anyone else feel like all the pictures are a lie? Like you’re only pretty when there is an Instagram filter? I actually feel ASHAMED when I am seen in real life and I’m just not that pretty. I NEED to remember that my sole purpose in life is not to have a perfect body. My purpose in life is not prettiness. 

I want so badly to just be able to enjoy myself when I’m with them. But the devil has such a fucking hold on this part of my heart. I want to let it go. I WILL let it go. The worst part is that even when I was my skinniest, I still was consumed. I still thought about it constantly. Dear Jesus. Please. I beg of you. Let me love my body. Expel the devil from my mind, and let me see how beautiful I really am. 

Don’t Forget to Dream

One of the first reasons that I fell in love with my husband was his ability to dream, and dream big. And even more astonishing was his ability to follow through on those dreams. Never afraid of discomfort, he always figures out how to make the least expected dreams work. Thanks be to God that I get to join him on his adventures.

I strongly believe that putting your dreams down in ink or speaking them aloud has profound power. It is the first step in realizing them. So I will now be doing just that. Today, on the day after Mother’s Day, as a 25-year-old, in a job where my dreams are crushed on a daily basis, I am here, putting my dreams out for the world to catch.

1. I dream of chickens. Beautiful, heirloom hens that give my family eggs of all different colors.

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2. I dream of designing. Whether it be graphic design, or interior design, or surface pattern design… doesn’t really matter. But I want it to be my job to use the creative alleys of my brain.

3. I dream of bees. A wooden hive in my backyard, and a couple kids that will collect sweet golden honey.brigid

4. I dream children. I want my family to be a tribe of love and adventure. I want Thaddeus to be the oldest of many.

5. I dream of yoga. I want to get better. I want to teach. I want my body to be limber and svelte.

6. I dream of dancing. I want to learn the art of contemporary dance.

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7. I dream of action. The struggles of being a mother in 2015 in America are real and raw. I want to change that, and bring support to mothers all over our beautiful country. I want to fight for their right to chose either work or home, or both.

8. I dream of intimacy. With my husband, I dream that we will find a cure for the pain, and a freedom in our love.

9. I dream of creating. To design my own home, nestled in the blue ridge mountians, close enough to both our families, but far out in the clean air. I see light and wood and love.

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What dream is on your heart, today?