Little hands and big tears, the pain of a new tooth come early. He is beating all the records but this one isn’t anything to brag about. He’d been fussy and temperamental for days and then BAM, up comes a little white rock of terror in his sweet pink gums.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was different. It wasn’t bad, but it was very different. I guess it just reflected the change that I’ve gone through as a mother. In the days leading up to it, I thought I didn’t care. It wasn’t about me anymore and I thought I was okay with that. I even kept forgetting about it. But when they day came. When the night fell. I realized that I’m still the impatient, self-centered, demanding girl I’ve always been. Motherhood hasn’t changed who I’ve become- it just allows me to forget myself once in a while. I’m learning that the more I think about myself… The more I try to be happy, the less happy I am. And so I am grateful for my boy. For allowing me the joy of forgetting myself.

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Tick tock, it’s time for bed.

It’s building up. All the working, and nursing, and cleaning… It’s like I’m doggie paddling in the waters of life and I just can’t get above water. Slowly drowning, I’m gasping for air. For a break. For some time.

I didn’t realize how, when you become a mom, the biggest thing that changes is that time becomes a slippery substance. Unable to be grasped, it slips through my fingers. I thought it would be the nursing, or maybe the lack of sleep, or even the millions of diapers to wash. But really, the hardest thing is time. Well, the lack thereof.

What do you do, mamas? How do you go to work, nurse your baby, keep the house clean, get to the grocery store, go to the doctor, grab a shower…. And some of you exercise on top of that?! Good lord! What am I missing?

Baby baths

IMG_3736 There is, actually, one good thing about going back to work. The weekends. They are so. sweet. I wake up and am so very very happy to have a full day with my baby. I struggled with a lot of guilt while I was on maternity leave. I knew I didn’t have long; I knew that I was a lucky woman to have three months, and I knew that the end was soon approaching. So each day was laden with such immense pressure to soak it all in! And for the most part, yes, I did. I really truly enjoyed just being with my sweetie pie. But I also felt guilty. I watched TV during the day, and I didn’t go on nearly enough walks. Because how could I really soak it all in, all the time? For me, that was impossible. I needed some zone out time, but I always felt guilty for taking it.

It’s a bit different now. I still watch TV sometimes, but I am also so much more zoned in with I’m with my baby. When I finally get to pick him up from daycare, I could just cry because I missed him so much. His smile, and his soft skin… they fill me up.

We took a bath together, baby and I, last night. We’ve done this many times before but this time was different. He lay his head down on my breast and fed. He relaxed in the warm water and I just held him. No computer, no phone, no TV. Just me and him. I would even venture to say that it actually made the going back worth it. Even just the smallest bit.babybath

Ignorance is not bliss

As if God heard our prayers, and decided “today, I’ll give them mercy”, we are–miraculously–still pregnant. My doctor, who is fully trained in high-risk and endometriosis pregnancies, told me that she had no idea why I was bleeding. And she had no answer. She did all the tests she could, and could see no reason why it was happening. Call me crazy, but when science can’t explain why there is still a baby in my belly, I call it a miracle.

I have a friend who got married about 2 months before me and got pregnant immediately. And I remember thinking, damn. That must be REALLY hard– being a newlywed AND being pregnant– I’m so glad we’re waiting. But the funny thing is that now I think it is such a huge blessing. That we got pregnant after 3 months. There is this side of my husband that I had only glimpsed before we were pregnant. A side that is extremely and inexplicable giving and generous and selfless. At the risk of sounding like a brat, he does everything for me. He brings me juice in the morning, and my medicines at night. He makes the bed and does the dishes and cooks me dinner. I’m feeling better now, but for a while there I couldn’t do anything, other than go to work and sleep. And you know what? Despite how I totally doubted him, he picked up the slack. Times a million. And it makes me love him so very much. It makes me feel his love all day, everyday. Amazing how pregnancy really does bring a couple so much closer. Someone kick me in the shins, I keep forgetting God has a plan.

Limbo

And then, we were struck by Irony.

Hubs and I have been getting wonderfully joyful and excited for the little Sprout growing in my belly. We’ve been praying for peace and we found it, as much as I think it can be found in times of financial stress. We told our families and my best friend. I was extremely excited to go through pregnancy just six weeks behind my wonderful older sister. 

But on Sunday, I began to bleed. Just small amounts of blood. I tried not to worry very much. But then Monday morning, the bleeding continued, and my mucus took a huge turn. It went from being 2AD, everyday, to a huge amount of 10CK. That was alarming, as that can indicate possible miscarriage. As the day progressed, other symptoms began slipping away, and I slowly began to feel less and less pregnant. I know it is a black and white kind of thing, but it felt like I was slipping into it. Like this wonderful joy was slowly and painfully being pulled from my body, like some sort of punishment. Punishment for not being ready. Punishment for feeling terrified and unqualified at the beginning. 

Since Monday, the docs have been doing blood tests and today I had an ultrasound. Things are inconclusive. It looks like everything is in place and how it should be… except for the fetus. They couldn’t “find” that. This could go two ways. Either, A.) I am too early, and the fetus is too small to show up. or B.) I am in the process of miscarrying. We’re praying very very hard for option A. 

I won’t know for sure until Thursday night. It is going to be a long next two days. It’s funny though, because at this point, I feel like God really knows what He is doing. There is nothing like the threat of loss to kick you in the pants and make you realize how much you want something, right?