That Nauseated Feeling

Snow day 2.26.15.

Sitting alone on my white couch, blinding light reflecting in, and my baby making noises in his crib. He is waking up slowly, and I let him dawdle. It’s good for him to have time to himself. Time to experiment, time to soak in the newness. He is 7.5 months. An eternity, yet also the blink of an eye. I’m still so hurt- so raw- from our birth together. I can’t imagine going through it again. An yet, as I sit here, I have that nauseated feeling. The last I felt this feeling, I was in my first trimester with our Sprout. I got sick daily- I couldn’t even keep saltines down. So should I take a pregnancy test? I’m too scared. I don’t know if I could face it. It isn’t that I don’t want another baby. That would be grueling and hard and I would be stretched beyond my limit. But that isn’t what I fear. Rather, it is the pregnancy. The carrying. It ate me alive last time. It completely devoured any sense of who I was. It wiped out all of my passions, all of my excitement, and left me weak and struggling. Some women triumph through pregnancy. I did not. I struggled through it. It was successful for no reason other than that I had a child– a beautiful, healthy, delightful child.

Far and away, the worst part of NFP is the abstaining. I thought it would be the constant checking of fertility, or the daily need to chart, but those don’t come close to how tough it is to abstain. After all, I have this amazingly sexy husband with whom I waited for marriage. And yet, here we are, in the middle of period of abstaining, save one time we cheated and threw all caution to the wind. That time was the first time sex didn’t rip me to pieces and there was no pain. That was the FIRST time that had happened. Afterwards, we held our breath anxiously until my period came again. And it came. And we could barely believe that it did. We had this messed up feeling that anything that good couldn’t go without a consequence. You see, we’e only ever “cheated” one other time. It was an accidental cheating.. we didn’t even realize we weren’t following the rules. And then came Thad.

So you might be wondering why I’m nervous. How could I be pregnant if we’ve been abstaining this whole time? Well, there are other things a married couple can do, you know. And my NFP teacher tells me that it is the sin of Onan, but you know what? I have absolutely no guilt. Absolutely none. I just can not believe that the Lord would want my husband and I to abstain completely from intimacy. Not only is it impossible, but it isn’t what he intended for marriage. And the sin of onan… can result in “contact pregnancy.” It can. It does. And so I sit here in fear. But also maybe with a tiny smidge of hope and maybe a little bit of excitement.

I know. I KNOW. I’m crazy. But I just don’t give AF.


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